The Long and Winding Road...of Infertility

Since I plan on using this blog to be an encouragement to and an outlet for others struggling with infertility or pregnancy loss, I should probably start by giving you a little background on our journey to parenthood.


I guess our conversations about children really started on our second date in November 2005. Jason and I were already talking about our views on how children should be raised and how important family was to us. Looking back on it, I guess that was heavy second date conversation, but I think it was because we felt so comfortable with one another right off the bat. I always knew that I wanted to be a follower of Christ and a wife and mother first and foremost, and that career and other things in life were a distant second. After we got married, we discussed that if we could, I would be a stay at home mom when our first child came along.


We worked the first 2 years of our marriage to pay off the little bit of debt that we had, and to build a savings so that we could accomplish that goal. I always assumed that I would have no trouble getting pregnant when WE were ready. Unfortunately, God's plans really didn't factor into my plans. After all, I am from a long line of "Fertile Myrtles." I literally had no relatives who had any trouble achieving a pregnancy, and I never had any reproductive issues of concern. So on paper, getting pregnant should've been a piece of cake. But as I have learned in the past few years, God's thoughts and plans are not like ours, and he had something even more amazing up His sleeve. I only wish that I would've listened to Him speaking to my heart.


This next part may be TMI, but I know that I really appreciated other people being open and honest about their struggles when I was going thru fertility treatments. It gave me hope and let me know that I wasn't alone. So don't say you weren't warned ;)

I went off birth control  pills (BCP) in Sept  2008. I had only taken them for about 2 yrs, and had no side effects. I assumed we would have our baby by September 2009.

Almost as soon as I stopped taking birth control, I started to gain weight. For the first time in my life, I was really struggling with keeping weight off. Then my menstrual cycles started to be 45, then 60 days long, when my normal average was 28 days. After about 5 months of trying to conceive (TTC), it was time for my annual GYN appointment. I knew in my heart that something wasn't right, and that it wasn't just my body adjusting to coming off BCP's. I voiced my concerns to my doctor, and she decided to order some lab work because she agreed that it was probably some kind of hormonal problem and it definitely was not normal.  I was also charting my basal body temperature (BBT) every month and using ovulation predictor kits (OPK's) to track my ovulation, and I wasn't getting a clear picture of when or if I was ovulating. For those of you that want to know what lab testing to do, I would highly recommend a thyroid stimulating hormone (TSH), T4, Estradiol (estrogen), Progesterone (should be done around 7 days past ovulation (DPO) if you are able to differentiate that. I also had follicle stimulating hormone (FSH), luteinizing hormone (LH) testing. My TSH came back slightly elevated, but everything else was normal. Since my Mom has hypothyroidism, my family doctor agreed to start me on the lowest dose of Levothyroxine to try and regulate my TSH. I was so thankful for this. My level was 2.75, and I have read that in some people, levels over 2.0 can cause problems conceiving.

That same month, August 2009, my doctor ordered a test called a hysterosalpingogram (HSG), which is a radiology procedure where a doctor inserts a catheter into your uterus and dye is infused through it and is supposed to flow out your fallopian tubes. If the dye does not come out, it could mean there was a blockage in your fallopian tube(s). It also helps to visualize the shape and position of your uterus. Again, everything looked normal, but I've gotta tell you, I wouldn't wish that test on my worst enemy!

Since all my testing was virtually normal, and we had my TSH under control, my GYN wanted to start me on Clomid (an oral fertility medication). She was just going to give me a script and send me on my way!  I had done some research on Clomid, and knew that if I was going to take it, I wanted ultrasounds to monitor how many eggs I was producing and tests to determine if I actually ovulated. My GYN did not think that was necessary, and I was not happy with that.  I felt like she was trying to throw medication at me without seeing what the real problem was.  Jason was also very leery of me taking fertility drugs because of the risk to my body and the increased risk for multiples. So, we decided that since we were only at about the 9 month mark of TTC, that we could just continue to try on our own. I knew that no reproductive endocrinologist (RE or fertility specialist) would not see us until we had been trying for at least a year.


Miraculously, just a month later on September 16, I found out I was pregnant!!  We were so excited for our baby that was due 5/31/2010!! I swear, I must have bought out CVS's pregnancy tests! I couldn't believe that this was actually happening. I begged my doctor to do a beta HCG test to see if my numbers were rising appropriately. My GYN again did not think this was necessary and they said "we'll see you when you're 9 wks. pregnant".  My family doctor ordered the beta, and the first one came back at 34, which was a pretty good number. Then, a few days later, I started having some spotting and cramping. I was in church at the time, and I told Jason that we had to leave immediately! I was crying and thought the pregnancy was for sure over. I had my second beta draw the next day, and by that time my spotting had stopped, but the cramping continued. The second number was 132 (they want your beta to at least double in a 48 hr period and it quadrupled!). My doctor felt that the pregnancy was viable and that I was just having normal cramping. Everything was progressing fine, and I was starting to have some food aversions (baby did NOT like Chinese food!), but other than that just felt tired, and pretty good overall. On Monday, October 12,  2 days after my 27th birthday, I started having some cramping and light spotting again. Everyone told me it was normal, but that I should still call my doctor to make sure. They wanted to go ahead and do an ultrasound since I was 8 wks, and I was told they would be able to see a heartbeat. I thought that I would go the next day and be reassured and see my little "gummy bear" floating on the screen.

That night, it became apparent that I wagn toing to receive good news the next day. I started having really heavy cramping and bleeding. The next morning, I woke up and cried my eyes out and literally yelled at God asking Him why He would take my baby! I was so upset, and felt like my world was ending. I didn't even want to go to the ultrasound because I knew it wouldn't be good. I spoke with Jason and my friend Becky, and they helped talk me down, and talked me into going to the ultrasound.

When I got in the car to drive to my appointment, I felt this most amazing wave of peace just rush over me. Words cannot describe, but it literally felt like God has His arms around me, and He was letting me know that He would set things right, and that our baby was with Him in Heaven. Jason met me at the doctor, and he was amazed at how calm I was.

I believe it was truly the "peace that paasses all understanding"being given to us. God knew that we needed it to be able to get through. On October 13, an ultrasound confirmed that I had lost our baby. Jason took off work and stayed with me, and Becky drove up to be with me. She also brought me an amazing cd that her cousin made for her when she was grieving the loss of her baby girl, Chloe. One particular song stuck out to me, and helped me. It was "Held" by Natalie Grant. It is actually about losing a baby. I especially love the chorus:

"This is what it means, to be held. How it feels. When the sacred is torn from your life, and you survive. This is what it means, to be loved. And to know, that the promise was when everything fell. We'd be held..."

I think it really illustrates that God never promised that we wouldn't feel heartache on this earth. We live in a fallen world. But it is such a comfort to know that God has rescued our souls and delivered us from heartache to live a peaceful eternity with Him. Also that He will continue to walk beside us and hold us during our times of need on earth.

Even though it was too soon to know the baby's gender, we decided that it should have a name. We both felt all along that the baby was a boy, so we chose the name Jonah (which means deliverer or joy and salvation) Samuel (who was Hannah's son that she had prayed so long for after battling infertility). Jonah Samuel never lived on this earth, but he will always live in my heart, and I know that he will be with Jesus welcoming me into heaven when the Lord calls me Home.

This post has become epically long, so I will stop there for now. I will continue the rest another day! I hope this has been helpful or healing to someone who is struggling.

Trying my hand at blogging

I've decided to join the blogging world! I really want one of those nifty backgrounds that you can get from Cutest Blog on the Block, but I have spent about an hour trying to get it to load onto my blog the correct way. So if any of you have some insight, please pass it along!


Anyway, I'm sure most people who read this blog already know me IRL, but in case you don't, I am Blaire, 28 yrs. old (eek),married to my amazing husband Jason (J) since 2006. We also have two spoiled rotten dogs, Buster (a rat terrier or terror depending on the day) and Rowdy ( a chihuahua/beagle/jack russell terrier mix...yeah, we get a lot of "what IS that?" comments in reference to him). So there's never a dull moment in our household.


 Our greatest news, though, is that we are joyfully expecting our son, Haden Patrick, later this month! What many of you may not know is that our journey to Haden has been full of highs and lows. God has been and continues to be faithful (as He always is). He has carried us through our tears and disappointments and has led us to Hade through the miracle of adoption! We have also been blessed to meet and talk with Haden's wonderful Birth Mom (A) and Birth Father (S), and two of his birth siblings, A and K.  I'm sure I will talk a lot about them on this blog. We are very connected to them emotionally, and words cannot express our gratitude, respect, and admiration for them. I can't even begin to imagine what is going on in their hearts and minds right now. We continue to pray for them constantly, and we know that God has a magnificent plan for all of us, and can't wait to see how it plays out!


My main objective for starting this blog was for it to be an outlet for many different areas of my life, including my struggle with infertility, with miscarrying our first child,  and with trying to be the best wife, mother, sister, friend, coworker I can possibly be, and everything that goes along with all of that. So, this blog will probably be a hodge podge. I am an open book, and if I can help anyone with their struggles, or encourage them in their walk with Christ or in their marriage, then I will do whatever it takes. Feel free to comment, vent, ask questions, etc. When Haden is born, I will probably have a separate blog for chronicalling his journey thru life. 

Well, I think that's enough rambling for one post. If you have made it to the end, you deserve a cookie!